I think I can safely say that I’ve spent a large percent of my life being a somewhat happy person. Despite all that has gone on and everything that me and Eric have been through, I always managed to look on the bright side. The more I grow, the more I’m noticing it’s getting hard not to dissect everything that happened once upon a time. I stay pretty caught up in it.

Today my grandfather mentioned that I’m tender hearted just like my mother was while I sobbed to him over the phone, because I just wasn’t sure how anything was going to work out. I’d been out looking houses, found one I really liked, and made an offer that was $10k higher than what he suggested. I went ahead and did it though, because I just want a home to live in. I just want to be comfortable with where I live, I can’t recall a time that I’ve ever felt like I was at home in my own house. Ever.

I had called to let him know that someone had offered higher than me, so he could stop shitting his pants, pronto. Somehow the conversation wound up in a different direction and was quite possibly the scariest conversation I’d ever had with him. I tried to explain to him that it can only mean so much to me considering the circumstances. That makes me feel awful in ways because I know there are people in the world who will struggle, or have to work hard to get something I’ve just been given. Throughout my life, so much emphasis has been put on THE MONEY that I feel as though the reason for it has been completely overlooked. I would give every cent of it just to even know what they were like.

But I think maybe he understood, or maybe I’ve been misunderstanding all along. He said that he doesn’t care about it, he just loves me and wants me to be happy. So much has gone on… I don’t know how credible that is, but I admit all I ever wanted was to be loved. I’m feeling much better. I’m not sure what that weight on my back was, but it’s definitely lighter. I don’t think I’m going to make a better offer on today’s dream house, though. Maybe next week.

p.s. – Modest Mouse couldn’t have been better to isten to while writing this.

1. Deliver me the news that my car is pretty fucked up, with a bent A frame and a drive shaft and something or other else. Mainly, that it’ll cost a good $1000 to fix most likely, if not more.

2. Crush my hopes of buying a house. For some reason when someone implies that I’m just not going to make it, it really hurts me. It never fails that everytime I see my grandfather, he goes and makes me feel like shit for wanting to buy over renting. But, for some reason I actually care what he thinks, it makes me second guess my decisions. But I always end up thinking, “Psh. Right. I can do this.. why can’t I do this?” And I can.

3. Make me feel as though going to college, the one thing I really pride myself in, was a waste. That just because it’s expensive, it is not worth it. And since I’m already working in my field while I’m still in school, there’s no need to finish. I disagree and I don’t think that way. I love Graphic Design. It’s something that I’ve worked hard at and I love every second of it. It doesn’t feel right that someone can make me feel bad for bettering myself.

I buy things with pretty packaging.

I am not one to really hang out with the people I work with outside of work unless we were already friends. I especially couldn’t ever see myself doing this at my current job because it’s like no job I’ve had before. It’s an office job, where you have to be polite and somewhat professional. Both of which I’m no good at. I’m used to taking care of people, mainly children but I can say I worked in a group home where I lived with eight mentally challeneged adults (on a week off a week). It was a very interesting six months.

But for some reason today when a woman I work with asked me if I wanted to get something to eat afterwards I said yes. Exactly as I expected, conversation somehow went from work to jumbled bits and pieces of what felt like my entire life and nothing bothers me more than that. It’s not that it upsets me to talk about, it just makes me not feel right. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I forget that happened.

It’s hard to write because I just don’t know what the fuck I want to say, or what it is that is weighing me down so much lately. What is it? I feel like something is really bothering me, but I just don’t know what. I think about it all the time, in traffic, taking a shower, at work. Sometimes I think about it instead of paying attention to the television. Yes way, it’s that bad.

This makes zero sense to me because I just don’t see how someone can be bothered by something yet can’t say what. That’s just plain silly. Not surprising in the least though.

As I get older, part of growing up includes getting rid of all unnecessary drama wherever possible. I know that my life will never be 100% drama free, but if avoiding it at all costs can make the amount of bullshit I have to go through decrease then so be it.

I guess it never really bothered me, and I truthfully sorta enjoyed shit-stirring up until things started happening that were beyond my control… when I moved out on my own, for example (which is an entirely separate story on it’s own). In the first 6 months of my free life I had no idea that things could be so complicated and annoying. It got old and really really irritating so I did what any person who wants to be sane would do and said ‘Peace out!’. I moved for a second time, broke up with my boyfriend, and avoided anybody who rubbed me the wrong way as well as anyone that likes to be rubbed the wrong way for the sake of starting a fight.

But sometimes they worm their way back into your life, or manage to somehow get skipped over on the People Who Really Make My Life a Living Hell list. Sometimes they’re so hungry for drama they just won’t go away…

Small things like not being able to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week together is enough to set one off. So, of course, fight number one is inevitable. Then there’s the issue that, OH MY GOD, you haven’t called me in three days and I haven’t seen you in four, let me start a fight about that while I’m at it.

I usually have no problem laughing about it but when someone calls me at my workplace in attempts to chew me out about issues that I am not even aware of (not that I would care either way) is crossing the line. If something makes me angry enough to not even fight back when someone tries to blame things on me, like, a lost job for instance, then you’re just gone to me. I don’t like to play petty little games with people who can’t manage to act even half their age. I deal with these sorts of things by ignoring them.

I guess hanging up on people isn’t enough though because last night I came home to find a picture propped against my door. A picture that has traveled from my brother’s house, to me, to Paul’s house and then to previously mentioned insane person who thinks it is necessary to return things that I had completely forgotten about. But that’s fine, I’m going to keep the damn picture and even put it up on my wall… just to remind me that my brother is so much cooler than YOU WILL EVER BE.