I have a special place in my heart for an addict, and regardless of what other people say, or how they handle certain situations I will always have hope.

I also went to the post office to mail a check to our garbage disposal service. I’m glad I remembered to make that payment because having no trash pickup is the f’ing pits. I think the people who owned the house previously just burned their trash in a big pile out back. Ummm… no thanks!

I still managed to make that trip to Jack In The Box. I freaking CHOWED, sourdough spicy crispy chicken club… mmmhmm. And don’t forget the three cheese sticks.

Everything was going to get taken care of today while I was work but there was a change in plans because someone (Paul) decided to go and get the flu instead. Bummer. I’ve got 2 more days to get this shit taken care of already before my lease officially ends. For a few hours the other night I was feeling down about leaving my apartment which seems absolutely ridiculous considering I spent every second I was there bitching about how miserable I was, how much I “HATE THIS APARTMENT!!!!” It’s not that I will miss it, at all. I won’t miss my crazy neighbors, I sure as hell won’t miss the loud ones, and I will not miss lugging all my shit up and down a flight of stairs everytime I have to go somewhere.

I just get so attached so easily, and considering how abrupltly I moved (I never really set a date.. it just ended up happening) I think it threw me off a little. There was never a final night in my apartment, we just left. Everytime I go back as I pull through the parking lot I get all excited, thinking “I get to see Lola Bean!!!” but then I realize she’s not there cos that’s not home anymore. That is definitely a weird feeling.

Fuck that apartment.

I truly cannot wait to be living in a house again, much less one that is mine.

Everything was going pretty smooth up until what feels like the past few days, you know, less than a week before closing.

Nothing makes me want to kill people more than that.

Today my grandfather mentioned that I’m tender hearted just like my mother was while I sobbed to him over the phone, because I just wasn’t sure how anything was going to work out. I’d been out looking houses, found one I really liked, and made an offer that was $10k higher than what he suggested. I went ahead and did it though, because I just want a home to live in. I just want to be comfortable with where I live, I can’t recall a time that I’ve ever felt like I was at home in my own house. Ever.

I had called to let him know that someone had offered higher than me, so he could stop shitting his pants, pronto. Somehow the conversation wound up in a different direction and was quite possibly the scariest conversation I’d ever had with him. I tried to explain to him that it can only mean so much to me considering the circumstances. That makes me feel awful in ways because I know there are people in the world who will struggle, or have to work hard to get something I’ve just been given. Throughout my life, so much emphasis has been put on THE MONEY that I feel as though the reason for it has been completely overlooked. I would give every cent of it just to even know what they were like.

But I think maybe he understood, or maybe I’ve been misunderstanding all along. He said that he doesn’t care about it, he just loves me and wants me to be happy. So much has gone on… I don’t know how credible that is, but I admit all I ever wanted was to be loved. I’m feeling much better. I’m not sure what that weight on my back was, but it’s definitely lighter. I don’t think I’m going to make a better offer on today’s dream house, though. Maybe next week.

p.s. – Modest Mouse couldn’t have been better to isten to while writing this.

I am not one to really hang out with the people I work with outside of work unless we were already friends. I especially couldn’t ever see myself doing this at my current job because it’s like no job I’ve had before. It’s an office job, where you have to be polite and somewhat professional. Both of which I’m no good at. I’m used to taking care of people, mainly children but I can say I worked in a group home where I lived with eight mentally challeneged adults (on a week off a week). It was a very interesting six months.

But for some reason today when a woman I work with asked me if I wanted to get something to eat afterwards I said yes. Exactly as I expected, conversation somehow went from work to jumbled bits and pieces of what felt like my entire life and nothing bothers me more than that. It’s not that it upsets me to talk about, it just makes me not feel right. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I forget that happened.

It’s hard to write because I just don’t know what the fuck I want to say, or what it is that is weighing me down so much lately. What is it? I feel like something is really bothering me, but I just don’t know what. I think about it all the time, in traffic, taking a shower, at work. Sometimes I think about it instead of paying attention to the television. Yes way, it’s that bad.

This makes zero sense to me because I just don’t see how someone can be bothered by something yet can’t say what. That’s just plain silly. Not surprising in the least though.

I should have been looking a long time ago, when I moved into my apartment in the first place would have been a good time. That is a bit unrealistic though considering everything that’s happened while I’ve lived there. I think that’s how I got so sidetracked, I mean, it feels like I’ve only been there for a month or two. Where did the time go?

What’s pissing me off the most is that I feel like I’ll never find something in the right area. I’ve yet to get in my car and drive to see what I can find. I fear I’ll never find the house I’ve got my heart set on. In a good neighborhood, one where my car won’t get broken into or my neighbors won’t stab me one day. Or kidnap my dog.

I’ve decided on either East or West Nashville. The problem here is that I can’t make up my mind. Last week West Nashville was the definite choice, today I’m leaning toward East again. I think I’ll just quit trying to decide between the two and find a house that I really like regardless of where it is.

But in two months? Am I going to be a bum?